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For some time now, the murmurs of conflict have been brewing – all in the name of The Chocolate Wars.

For those that have not been following on, you can catch up on the conflict here.

The question we attempt to answer: “Is white chocolate really chocolate?”  Today we reach the ultimate showdown of both sides: The Affirmative – Team All Chocolate, and The Negative – Team Real Chocolate.

Read and absorb both arguments, and then at the end please vote for which team you feel won the debate.

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Team All Chocolate – Cate Pearce is a stay at home mum from Adelaide who has been researching chocolate for more than 40 years. Her blog “I’ll Think of a Title Later” is where she vents her mostly self-deprecating, sardonic frustrations … because it’s cheaper than therapy and you don’t need an appointment. She swears by the Chocoholics 12-Step Program whose motto is “Never be more than 12 steps away from chocolate.” She believes that white chocolate is real chocolate, and is striving for its acceptance.

 

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

Turmoil has engulfed the Confectionery Republic. The Chocolate Trade Federation, controlled by an evil Emperor, (the former Senator Extra-Cocoa, the most bitter enemy of all), has declared that the Force known as White Chocolate is not a legitimate chocolate product, thereby outlawing all those who worship it.

The Emperor’s apprentice, Dark Belgian, has been dispatched to the Rebel base located on the remote all-white planet Dream to track down and destroy the remaining supporters of the Force, the White Jedi.  The Rebels, ably led by Lindt Skywhitener, Princess Lindor, Han Nestlé, Cadburybacca and the smallest but noblest White Jedi, Master Freddo, have fought a gallant battle against ignorance, prejudice, poor taste and Ferrero Rocher grenades.

Master Freddo has emboldened the Rebel fighters with his words of wisdom.

“Fear the approaching attack, do not. Fear is the path to the Dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. And suffering is no White Chocolate for dessert.”

Whilst the Federation’s Twixtroopers, along with Bobba the Bounty Hunter Bar from Mars, attempt to smother the Rebels with Caramello, the heroic Lindt, using his trusty KitKat Whitesaber, is in fierce combat with Dark Belgian, who is wielding his weapon of choice, the Curly-Wurly.

“Lindt, you are beaten. It is useless to resist. There is no escape. Don’t make me destroy you. Join me and I will complete your training in the ways of Milk and Dark Chocolate.”

“I’ll NEVER join you. White Chocolate ROCKS.”

“If you only knew the power of the Dark side, together we could bring order to the galaxy. It’s time you faced the truth. The White Force is not chocolate. The Inter-Galactic Food Administration says so.”

“NOOOOOO. It’s impossible. It IS chocolate.”

“Search your feelings. You know it to be true. It contains no chocolate liquor.”

“But chocolate liquor isn’t even alcohol, what’s the point? It’s not important how it is made and colour is irrelevant. It is bursting with sweet, sugary goodness and embodies the true spirit of chocolate. It is a creamy, wholesome treat. These genuine chocolate qualities cannot be denied. The Force is about sensations, taste, texture; it’s symbiotic relationship with other cocoa bean derivatives. You should search YOUR feelings. Accept us ALL. ”

“Lindt…..you may be right. There is something I haven’t told you….”

“Well, you’re not really Belgian, I could tell by your accent.”

“I am also……not Dark. I am a White Jedi. I was even the Milky Bar Kid for a week, but there was so much peer pressure and I suffered from discrimination. I yearned to be a member of the Snack Block Gang. They were so brown and milky, so colourful inside, I just wanted to belong. So I coated myself in cocoa mass …. but there was an accident at the Tanning Salon and I emerged too dark. I have been masquerading as Dark Belgian ever since. Oh, and by the way, I’m your Father.”

“I knew I felt the good in you. The White Force is strong in my family.”

“Come Lindt, together we can overthrow the Emperor, embrace chocolate of all colours, and restore balance to the Force. “

Hostilities have ceased. Lindt and The Artist Formerly Known As Dark Belgian have returned to the Federation headquarters, ousted the Emperor from his Swiss Gold throne, and banished him to the planet Cooking Chocolate, where his destiny is to be melted down for a 7 year old’s birthday cake.

Peace has been restored to the Confectionery Republic.

White Chocolate is chocolate once more.

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Team Real Chocolate – Kylie Ladd is a psychologist, which means she asks lots of nosy questions, and also a novelist, which means she puts everything she hears into books and calls it ‘fiction’. Be careful about getting into conversations with her.

 

I love chocolate, but I know the truth….

SCENE: A boardroom at the Sterling-Cooper Advertising Agency (the setting of TV Show Mad Men). The year is 1961. Copywriters PETE, PEGGY and KEN are discussing their latest account.

KEN: White chocolate. White chocolate. Holds cream-coloured bar by his fingers, peering at it suspiciously. What will they think of next… low-alcohol beer?

PETE: Who cares, Cosgrove, as long as some sucker will buy it?

PEGGY: (reads from product information sheet) It says here that, technically, white chocolate isn’t chocolate at all, since it’s not derived from chocolate liquor or cocoa solids. (Puts down paper, and looks around, shocked.) Can we actually sell this product? The FDA doesn’t even recognise it as chocolate!

KEN: You tell me. Here, try some. Breaks off pieces of his bar and hands them to Peggy and Pete. All three chew slowly.

PETE: (Gags and spits into his handkerchief) That tastes like Clearasil!

PEGGY: (Forces herself to swallow, then picks paper up again and reads aloud) It’s against the law to market white chocolate as true chocolate in many countries. (Wipes hand uneasily across her mouth) I’m not surprised.

PETE: Come on, guys. We still have to come up with something. Ken, what have you got?

KEN: Sal just gave me these. (Hands around drawings, which the writers study dubiously. A pause.)

PETE: This “Milky Bar Kid” is a little… dressed up. Look at his chaps!

KEN: (nods) Yeah. I wonder why Sal drew him like that?

PEGGY: (Still reading.) Studies show that white chocolate contains no theobromine, the feel- good substance that makes real chocolate so comforting. (Brightens). That means, however, that it’s safe to feed to dogs. Maybe we could work that into the pitch?

PETE: Oh, that’ll fly. “White chocolate. Safe to feed to dogs.” (Stands up and pours himself a drink) It would be easier to put a man on the moon than convince the public that this stuff is chocolate.

KEN: (laughs) A man on the moon! Nice one, Campbell.

There is a knock on the door. JOAN, the office manager, enters.

JOAN: Mr Draper was wondering if you were ready to present your ideas to him yet?

PETE: Not quite. (Takes a long swallow of his drink)

PEGGY: (In desperation) Men are always giving you chocolates, Joan. Try this. What do you think? She hands Joan the remaining squares of the white chocolate bar, then turns to Pete and Ken. Maybe we can market it as a less expensive alternative to real chocolate? “For a cheap date, it’s all white”?

KEN: (Shrugs) It’s better than the dog angle.

Joan begins to cough, then sinks to the floor, hands clutching at her throat. Pete drops to his knees and shakes her, but to no avail. Slowly, Joan’s face is turning as red as her hair.

PETE: She’s choking!

KEN: Can I do mouth to mouth?

Peggy screams, but as she does the boardroom door is flung open to reveal DON DRAPER, Creative Director of Sterling-Cooper.

DON: What’s going on here? Takes in scene, then stoops to pick up discarded wrapper from the floor. What the….? White chocolate?

Don rolls Joan onto to her back and, after taking a moment to find it, delivers a masterful thump to her breastbone. A piece of white chocolate flies out of her mouth and across the room, hitting Pete in the face. Joan splutters a bit, then sits up and throws her arms around Don. Pete dabs at his eye with his handkerchief.

DON: (addressing Peggy, Ken and Pete) I hope you’ve learned your lesson. White chocolate isn’t to be trifled with. It’s dangerous stuff, and no substitute for the real thing. (Helps Joan to her feet. She clings to him gratefully.) It’s like swapping soda water for your old-fashioned, or giving up women for golf. It’s abhorrent. It’s an abomination! It’s not to be taken lightly! (Dusts off his pants, then straightens up.) Now, Campbell, what have you got for me?

PEGGY: (Stepping forward) Actually, it’s my idea, Mr Draper. “White chocolate: Beware of imitations.”

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Team All Chocolate – Sarah Pietrzak is a proudly multicultural mother juggling a husband, small and rather noisy children and part-time work, in addition to training to be a lifesaver and wannabe chef. She regularly posts her musings on life over at “Ah, the Possibilities” and is the parenting blogger for Huggies.com.au

 

A wiser person than me once said: “It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument.” (thank you, William Gibbs McAdoo) and so I feel it is with the Chocolate Wars. While my heart is heavy at fighting this battle, my armour and shield are strong and nicely buffed. And, on behalf of my #allchoc army, I venture into the field knowing that white truly is might and right.

This is a rift that has divided states, stood friends against each other and caused fierce arguments with loved ones. (I’m looking at you dearest husband)

When the scale of the battle overwhelms me. When I sob at the twitterstream of attacks and criticism at my noble stand. When I sometimes consider the arguments as mere wee, I turn to these words for comfort. As the ever wise Yoda said: “Do, or do not. There is no ‘try’

And so I will.

I fight this fight on behalf of the general population who were deemed “incredibly stupid” by one of my opponents. For what its worth dear general population, I consider you wonderful. I embrace diversity of opinion in the same way you do. I respect your right to have an opinion. Unlike certain others.

We could get bogged down in the irrelevant, the meaningless. That is, that white chocolate does not contain the cocoa solids that milk and dark chocolate so. Ahem, I think you will find that is not always the case.  Here, for instance is white chocolate with all the requisite ingredients my learned opponents seem unhealthily obsessed with.

Does this mean then that it is to be called chocolate, while the others brands of white chocolate are marginalized and excluded on a basis I would venture to describe as immaterial and insignificant?

If so, then I would equate it to buying a designer handbag knock off. (Not that I would EVER do such a thing) but my point is this. It may not be a designer brand handbag, but it is indeed still a bag. It looks like a bag, it carries items I require, it just doesn’t have the label that the designer one does.

Or better yet, how about when you buy takeaway? Admittedly not great for you, but it still qualifies as a meal doesn’t it?

I’d venture to add that if the Food and Drug safety approval standards have deemed white chocolate as worthy of its label then maybe, just maybe my erstwhile opponents might want to take a moment to reflect on the error of their ways? Are these multi million dollar industries all wrong?

And may I take a moment to thank you Coles for stepping in to end this debate? Thank you for your amazing benevolence and generosity in allowing us to have a voice, a medium to share our views. Without you, we are mere tweets in a stream.

White chocolate has its place in the chocolate hall of fame, along with its milk and dark counterparts.  I need to state at this point that I LOVE all types of chocolate. We at team #allchoc don’t discriminate on the basis of colour.

White chocolate was first produced in 1930. Technically now it is a senior citizen. I don’t know about you but when I was growing up we were taught to treat these people with respect. So it is with white chocolate. This trusty treat has withstood the test of time. It has a loyal following and is loved the world over. Why then must a vociferous few dissent?

And so, with various types of chocolate in hand I gallop into the fray. This is the Final Battle, may the best women win.

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Team Real Chocolate – Kerri Sackville is a writer and mum living from one crisis to the next. Her life is pretty much perfect, her home is beautifully tidy, and her three children are highly gifted, sporting and extremely well-behaved. And that previous sentence was a complete lie. She blogs about the shocking (okay, kind of obvious) truth about life with a family; believes that effort, not quality, counts; and thinks that reality is far funnier than fiction (using ‘funny’ in the sense of ‘quite pitiful really’). Her interests are reading in two-minute bursts while the kids run riot, milk chocolate, Twitter, and Simon Baker’s hair.

 

Over the past few weeks, the Choc Wars has been fought bravely.

There have been many words spoken, and many words written.

But, as we all know, actions speak louder than words, and I believe, my friends, that now is the time for action.

So I present to you this footage, taken from my home just this week. The footage is genuine, but faces and voices have been disguised slightly to protect my family.

Once you have watched it, you will know, without a shadow of a doubt, that white confectionary does not deserve the fine name of ‘chocolate’.

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With that, we draw this debate to a close. Please, choose your side in the poll below. Which argument did you find more persuasive – Team All Chocolate in the Affirmative, or Team Real Chocolate in the Negative? The vote will be open until 10am AEST Friday, August 13th when a winner will be declared, the prize will be a lifetime of bragging rights for the winner, and an admission of being wrong from the losers.

 

VOTING IS NOW CLOSED. We can confirm – white chocolate is not chocolate. Team Real Chocolate rejoice and enjoy the spoils of victory.